GUILT- the Insidious and Persistent Obstacle to Happiness and Fulfillment

How are you doing these days in manifesting that beautiful dream of yours? 

Many people I work with, say they don’t know what they want…while others have a dream they would love to create and manifest. Sometimes they struggle to make it happen, often coming away feeling disappointed when things don’t go the way they would like. Then in letting go of the disappointment, they let go of the dream and become disbelievers, posing disempowering questions such as, why do others have all the luck? Why can’t I have what I want? Maybe I don’t have what it takes…

            Maybe deep down inside we often don’t believe we deserve… love, fulfillment, happiness, success. We judge our desires harshly as if we didn’t have the right to have them. Perhaps unconsciously we radiate fear, in the form of anger, jealousy, or victimization; these feelings are always fueled by the ego’s nefarious messenger, guilt… guilt for the selfishness of our desires, or fear of possible failure for stepping into a place of power. The loud, invective inner voice of criticism shouts, ”Who are you to step up and go for what you want? What makes you so deserving?” 

            This inner victimizer is particularly strong for people who have suffered belittlement, shaming, powerlessness and abuse in all forms, which doesn’t leave a lot of unscathed, fortunate individuals since we’ve all suffered shaming and guilt trips of one kind or another. This is unfortunately the way of the world, from families right down to religious organizations, who use guilt and fear to get us to tow the proverbial “party line” and do as we are told.

·        What if our birthright were to live happy, fulfilled, powerful lives, and we have actually been born to realize a life purpose that only we can embody.

·        What if desire was something to celebrate, to motivate us to grow and evolve, nature’s very calling… evolution, growth and development?

·        What if desires actually lead us along a path to fulfilling life purpose and there is no need to judge them, nor reason to give into the illusion of unworthiness or undeserving?

What if the inner critic we all have, is merely a messenger of the ego’s teaching of fear and guilt, designed to keep us small and in line? Have you ever noticed how loud and persistent it can be? “I fear the lady doth protest too much, me thinks…” (Hamlet)

      So let us not bow down to aggressive, demeaning voices of guilt and fear in whatever form they take in our lives. If you’ve put your dream on hold, I challenge you to bring it back to the forefront and learn to tell the baying hounds of unworthiness that they are full of……..(whatever invective feels right-you choose)!

If this feels a little daunting, like what if it’s true I'm not worthy or up to whatever it is I want, then perhaps you need a little practice in believing seemingly impossible things. (The queen in Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland said, “I always believed in at least 6 impossible things before breakfast…”)

     

 It takes awareness and practice, and a group of like-minded people helps; I invite you to join me and other courageous, ready-to-create dream manifesters, November 19^th and December 3^rd for my eye-opening online workshop, Guilt to Q.U.I.L.T.: Living Freely and Fully to help you speak up to that persistent, nefarious voice that tries to run the show in your personal, professional or overall life, called GUILT.

       

There’s no reason to abandon your dreams and no reason to let the intrusive, untruthful voice of your small self, lead you away from fulfilment and true happiness. Join us two Wednesdays for 1 and1/2 hours each. It’s easy, online and a powerful investment in your own power, happiness and fulfilment! Carpe Diem!

For more information or to register please visit www.inner-discovery.com; click on  “online workshops”. 

Abigail DeSoto
Transformational Coach & Psychosynthesis Guide, Teacher/Author

http://www.inner-discovery.com
 

http://innerdiscovery.blogspot.fr/

 

author/‘Nom de plume’- Olivia de Gage, L'Amour Déraisonné: Reclaiming Self, Transformational Teachings from Psychosynthesis and A Course in Miracles (2010) Psychosynthesis Press
http://www.amazon.com/LAmour-Deraisonne-Reclaiming-Olivia-DeGage/dp/0961144475
 

Life T.A.N.G.O.S.: The Dance of Life and the Reconciliation of Opposites

            How do we dance in this life of ours? We are reminded in popular parlance that life is not a dress rehearsal and we only get one chance (at least in this lifetime), and that chance is now!

Carpe Diem! Live in the present moment and live with awareness. Starting there, I ask again, how do you dance with what each moment offers you? Do you focus strongly on your desires and needs to ensure they are met and satisfied? Are you closer to the other extreme, focusing predominantly on the needs and desires of others and letting your own slip quietly under the carpet? Do you swing from one extreme to another, or have you learned the art of tacking (a sailing term for facing into the wind and moving from one side to another to allow your vessel to move forward)?

As we advance in life with accrued awareness, wisdom and (hopefully) patience, thanks to gifts and practices of psychosynthesis or other personal and spiritual paths of awakening, we become skillful at centering ourselves, returning to a position of ‘I’ –what Roberto Assagioli defined as a ‘center of pure self-awareness and will’. We step more easily into the role of the orchestra conductor, to acknowledge every orchestra player in our extended inner families (subpersonalities), and their way of moving with or against the world of polarities in which we live.

Through awareness we experience the irreconcilable opposites of our world where ‘both/and’ exists, not ‘either/or’. We realize much of what we flee or run towards, is part of an interrelated pair in need of both poles, like the inhale and exhale of our every breath, the vital force or “prana” as breath is called in Sanskrit. Instead of being caught in pendulum swings, we start to explore the ‘dance’ with irreconcilable opposites, such as a need for both solitude and community, desires to control, initiate and take action as well as stepping back, trusting and following. We learn that both effort and rest are necessary for well-being and fulfillment.

As part of this experiential awakening we become conscious that through projection we ultimately only ever push against our selves, or seek what we believe is outside us in the world, qualities such as acceptance, love, joy and peace. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, American 19^th C poet who in later life spent years translating Dante’s Divine Comedy wrote, “not in the clamor of the crowded street, not in the shouts and plaudits of the throng, but in ourselves, are triumph and defeat.”

If you realized that every judgment you make against another person is an unconscious fear to acknowledge the knife of judging retribution you hold above your own head, would you be so quick to anger and harsh words…or thoughts?  What if you realized that self-acceptance is the realization you are what you seek, but have lost contact with that part of yourself?

Victor Frankl, author of Man’s search for Meaning, said: “my definition of success is total self -acceptance.” “Acceptare” in latin means to receive willingly. How willing are we to receive the lessons life sends us (through situations and relationships) to release anger, judgment and the need for outside approval? Freedom lies not in controlling events but in the choice and decision we make in how we dance with life. We can choose to confront, oppose, hate and argue with, or surrender, trust and open to lessons hidden in the flow of our experience. This does not mean we lie down to be walked upon, but it does mean learning to release judgment and criticism in favor of tuning to higher emotional frequencies such as kindness, allowing, compassion, and forgiveness.

As A Course in Miracles suggests, if Higher Self (ultimate Teacher and Guide), were standing beside a door to which forgiveness were the key, and to experience peace and freedom in your life all you needed were to give the key to Self to use, would you do it? *

*Extrapolated from Supplements to A Course in Miracles, The Song of Prayer, Foundation for Inner Peace

                                                                                                           

Abigail DeSoto, M.A.  Life T.A.N.G.O.S. and the Dance of Life - Sept.12-15th

NB I am offering my unique polarities exploration, Life T.A.N.G.O.S workshop this September at Kayser Ridge Retreat Center in West Virginia with the help of Cliff Kayser, from Polarities Partnerships LLC. For more information on how to dance with life and allow TANGOS-‘Trust’, ‘Alignment & Allowing’, ‘Non-Judgment’, ‘Grounding’, ‘Openness’ and ‘Surrender’ to support you in your dance with life’s polarities , visit www.inner-discovery.com  or email: discovery.transformation@gmail.com

Releasing into Fall

It’s September already and summer has gone….well and truly it feels here in Southwest France, as the weather changed dramatically 10 days ago and the rain set in with temperatures that dropped over 10 degrees. The nights are cold, and the days are noticeably shortening. I feel my body tense and my spirits wane as I awaken to drear and drab days, trying to drag myself up, wondering what happened to the joy, lightness and optimism I felt over the summer…. 

Everything changes…cycles come and go and I must remind myself to trust, accept “what is” and release into what comes. Struggle only fatigues me when there is no changing a natural cycle. With the breath each ‘inhale’ is followed by a release or ‘exhale’, and each contraction of the heart must be followed by the releasing, letting go of blood to the body. 

Despite this knowledge/understanding, I feel asadness and sorrow for what has gone, for the hot, bright, carefree summer days. That is also the way ‘it is’, so feel this I must, while remembering to trust, let go, and surrender to Fall…a time of cooling down, before ‘sleeping’ in the winter… but first, harvest what has been sown/planted. 

What have you planted? What is it time to harvest and enjoy as fruits of your labor, as you relax and release into the quiet time before the next sowing? Both planting and harvesting are parts of the cycle of growth, and as the days shorten we can turn our attention inward to examine what we are harvesting, and what we seek and intend from the bottom of our hearts to create/grow for our next harvest. Now is the time… trust the process, release and enter in faith a new season and another cycle.

Blessings,

Abigail

Abigail DeSoto
Transformational Coach & Psychosynthesis Guide, Teacher/Author

http://www.inner-discovery.com
 

http://innerdiscovery.blogspot.fr/

 

author/‘Nom de plume’- Olivia de Gage, L'Amour Déraisonné: Reclaiming Self, Transformational Teachings from Psychosynthesis and A Course in Miracles (2010) Psychosynthesis Press
http://www.amazon.com/LAmour-Deraisonne-Reclaiming-Olivia-DeGage/dp/0961144475

“Seek Not Outside Yourself” (A Course in Miracles)

How many times have you thought… “if I just had a better job…or a bigger house…..then I’d be satisfied/happy”, or “if I just had the right partner/soul mate/companion… I’d feel complete, loved, and happy, fulfilled….How often we blame circumstances for our unhappiness or dissatisfaction in life, or use relationships to feel complete and whole.  Hollywood shows us time and again stories of finding the right person and ‘happily ever after’, popular culture supports the myth, and when we fall in love, don’t we feel on top of the world?…for as long as it lasts…because at some point, it doesn’t.

What if this addiction to having things, or ‘using’ people to fill an inner void, actually prevented us from reaching a feeling of wholeness and completeness? What if this tendency to seek outside ourselves for completion actually kept us from ever attaining a state of certainty, peace and well-being?

Many of us have done a lot of inner wok and exploration…I mean a LOT! Right? Yet we still find desires eluding us, despite efforts to do things, or stand up for what we want. I myself have been 'recovering' from disappointment and confusion around a 'surprise' outcome to what I thought would be the realization of an important personal dream. Yet the surprise result left me feeling flabbergasted, like I had run straight into a brick wall after courageously following my heart (believing I had also paid close attention to my mind in thinking things through). My  decision came after an intentional 6 year hiatus with romantic relationships,  a break when I assiduously worked through the lessons of a heart-wrenching break-up and previous marriage. I used both situations to look metaphorically behind the ‘veils of appearance’ to understand, release and forgive childhood wounding and dependency, which had planted seeds for the co-dependent, unconscious relationships I experienced. I even wrote a book to ground and share my learning, emphasizing the importance of reclaiming Self, no matter what our past trauma and wounding.

Having done my 'homework,' I felt 'ready' at the end of 2012 when I unexpectedly met a new ‘someone’ (exciting…fun…cool…), someone I shared a great commonality with, felt comfortable and safe with (all good signs), and with whom I could talk for hours.  This person had also gone through the fires of relationship disappointment and despair and expresssed doing their own 'homework'. After 4 months of mutual exploration and a short time together due to geographic distance, feeling and trusting we agreed on life values and transpersonal objectives, having discussed possible mishaps, yet feeling reassured by strong communication, I planted ‘my stake in the ground’ for love and bought the proverbial ticket to Bombay, to move my life half way around the world!

Life is full of surprises (to put it lightly)! Things don't always work out the way we expect... I can only say I was stunned and hurt after months of preparation and great expense, to feel the entire experience blow up shortly after I arrived... signs of strain on the wall the first few days! From the moment I arrived, we encountered one challenge after another (housing, family challenges and strain in the relationship) followed by repeated disconfirmed expectancies. Nothing came easily…until it became clear we needed a break, and I needed to go ‘home’ to find personal space, peace and quiet. An immediate decision had to be made, the signs were clear… so back 6,000 miles I went. I felt stunned, hurt, confused, disappointed... and then anger set in... “It was his fault!” I went over and over the situation in my mind and kept coming up with: him…his fault! He hadn’t done what he said…he hadn’t ‘provided’, ‘supported’ etc.. I couldn't stop the judgments, though blaming obviously brought no peace or closure. I went from feeling sad to angry, to forgiving, to blaming myself…and around again, through the gamut of unstoppable feelings that hound and torment us after a major disappointment. 

And then it hit me, triggered by something simple, but replicating the big disappointment just enough to wake me up. After asking/praying/meditating and a sincere desire to understand what the ‘…’had happened, life/the Universe/ Higher Self/Divine Consciousness (call it what you want) brought me the answer. I suddenly understood that on an unconscious level, feeding an unconscious, deep feeling of guilt and not being 'good enough', I wanted  "catastrophe", rejections and abandonments. In this way I could continue to feel ‘small’, ‘put upon', 'unseen' and  ‘badly treated,’ in life, but NOT the one to blame for it! The ego mind lives through attack and projection, and as we become more awake to another possibility in life, it often gets sneakier and more surreptitious. In my recent experience I felt the incredible power of my unconscious mind. I had never seen it so clearly and insidiously, and the understanding hit me like a heavy penny dropping. I could see how I had bought into the romantic "knight in shining armor" rescuing the "damsel in distress"  myth that feeds much of our romantic dreams. I saw how I wanted this adventure and relationship to make me feel happy and more fulfilled…how much I enjoyed being ‘seen’ and appreciated by my new love. I could feel how he also needed me to complement him and make his life feel important and sweet. And I could see how we were in for failure.  

Perhaps because I have done so much work in looking beyond appearances in life, or because we are living accelerated change cycles the world over, whatever the reason, this ego ‘dance’ was over in a flash!  We didn’t get a few years together... we didn’t even get a few months. I got ‘sent’ home pronto so I could look at what we were unconsciously doing and look at my own adherence to the ego's teaching we are weak, sinful and guilty. We had jumped feet first into the relational (what I call) “ego’s diabolic dance of death”, an ego 'game' of wanting to ‘vampire’ another person to get something we believe we need to feel good, worthwhile and strong.This ‘dance’ is a form of energetic cannibalism since neither person feels whole and complete alone, and seeks something from the other. This is the shadow side A Course in Miracles reminds us to look at if we want to undo the thought in our minds and bring the light of Truth to this dark functioning of ego mind we all share… a belief in a dark, ugly, murderous side of ourselves we fear. This fear, if not looked at, keeps us prisoner to illusion and “idols”, trembling in guilt and fear, projecting blame and anger onto those we have come to love and support.

“Seek not outside yourself,” A Course in Miracles admonishes, because to do so is to buy into a belief in inadequacy, smallness and lack.

“The search implies you are not whole within and fear to look upon your devastation, but prefer to seek outside yourself for what you are.” (ACIM text, chpt. 29 Sect. VII para 4.5)

“No one believes in idols who has not enslaved himself to littleness and loss. And thus must seek beyond his little self for strength to raise his head, and stand apart from all the misery the world reflects. This is the penalty for looking not within for certainty and quiet calm that liberates you from the world, and lets you stand apart, in quiet and in peace.” (ACIM text, chpt 29, sect VIII, para. 2 lines 5-7)

As the Course asks, “Do you prefer to be happy, or to be right?” We have all bought into an illusion of self and what we believe we need in order to be fulfilled…yet we can choose again, and step into the shoes of ‘Authentic Self’, beyond the limiting, fearful beliefs of small, conditioned self, so as to be  healed and at peace. From this new choice we can experience true feelings of love, joy, wonder and well-being, which will make us laugh at the childlike ways we used to interact with others, as well as the unloving way we treated ourselves.

I invite you to join me on this new and exciting adventure to awaken to true Self.  To get started, jump in this August and take part in a free online global challenge to BE LOVE!  For more information, have a look at a short, explanatory video: http://youtu.be/OVdmPyDhQc4

And for further information, and to take advantage of other liberating tools to uncover and re-member authentic Self, visit:www.inner-discovery.com 

Blessings and excitement on your journey,

Abigail

Abigail DeSoto
Transformational Coach & Psychosynthesis Guide, Teacher/Author
http://www.inner-discovery.com
http://innerdiscovery.blogspot.fr/

author/‘Nom de plume’- Olivia de Gage, L'Amour Déraisonné: Reclaiming Self, Transformational Teachings from Psychosynthesis and A Course in Miracles (2010) Psychosynthesis Press
http://www.amazon.com/LAmour-Deraisonne-Reclaiming-Olivia-DeGage/dp/0961144475/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1268434385&sr=8-1