“Seek Not Outside Yourself” (A Course in Miracles)

How many times have you thought… “if I just had a better job…or a bigger house…..then I’d be satisfied/happy”, or “if I just had the right partner/soul mate/companion… I’d feel complete, loved, and happy, fulfilled….How often we blame circumstances for our unhappiness or dissatisfaction in life, or use relationships to feel complete and whole.  Hollywood shows us time and again stories of finding the right person and ‘happily ever after’, popular culture supports the myth, and when we fall in love, don’t we feel on top of the world?…for as long as it lasts…because at some point, it doesn’t.

What if this addiction to having things, or ‘using’ people to fill an inner void, actually prevented us from reaching a feeling of wholeness and completeness? What if this tendency to seek outside ourselves for completion actually kept us from ever attaining a state of certainty, peace and well-being?

Many of us have done a lot of inner wok and exploration…I mean a LOT! Right? Yet we still find desires eluding us, despite efforts to do things, or stand up for what we want. I myself have been 'recovering' from disappointment and confusion around a 'surprise' outcome to what I thought would be the realization of an important personal dream. Yet the surprise result left me feeling flabbergasted, like I had run straight into a brick wall after courageously following my heart (believing I had also paid close attention to my mind in thinking things through). My  decision came after an intentional 6 year hiatus with romantic relationships,  a break when I assiduously worked through the lessons of a heart-wrenching break-up and previous marriage. I used both situations to look metaphorically behind the ‘veils of appearance’ to understand, release and forgive childhood wounding and dependency, which had planted seeds for the co-dependent, unconscious relationships I experienced. I even wrote a book to ground and share my learning, emphasizing the importance of reclaiming Self, no matter what our past trauma and wounding.

Having done my 'homework,' I felt 'ready' at the end of 2012 when I unexpectedly met a new ‘someone’ (exciting…fun…cool…), someone I shared a great commonality with, felt comfortable and safe with (all good signs), and with whom I could talk for hours.  This person had also gone through the fires of relationship disappointment and despair and expresssed doing their own 'homework'. After 4 months of mutual exploration and a short time together due to geographic distance, feeling and trusting we agreed on life values and transpersonal objectives, having discussed possible mishaps, yet feeling reassured by strong communication, I planted ‘my stake in the ground’ for love and bought the proverbial ticket to Bombay, to move my life half way around the world!

Life is full of surprises (to put it lightly)! Things don't always work out the way we expect... I can only say I was stunned and hurt after months of preparation and great expense, to feel the entire experience blow up shortly after I arrived... signs of strain on the wall the first few days! From the moment I arrived, we encountered one challenge after another (housing, family challenges and strain in the relationship) followed by repeated disconfirmed expectancies. Nothing came easily…until it became clear we needed a break, and I needed to go ‘home’ to find personal space, peace and quiet. An immediate decision had to be made, the signs were clear… so back 6,000 miles I went. I felt stunned, hurt, confused, disappointed... and then anger set in... “It was his fault!” I went over and over the situation in my mind and kept coming up with: him…his fault! He hadn’t done what he said…he hadn’t ‘provided’, ‘supported’ etc.. I couldn't stop the judgments, though blaming obviously brought no peace or closure. I went from feeling sad to angry, to forgiving, to blaming myself…and around again, through the gamut of unstoppable feelings that hound and torment us after a major disappointment. 

And then it hit me, triggered by something simple, but replicating the big disappointment just enough to wake me up. After asking/praying/meditating and a sincere desire to understand what the ‘…’had happened, life/the Universe/ Higher Self/Divine Consciousness (call it what you want) brought me the answer. I suddenly understood that on an unconscious level, feeding an unconscious, deep feeling of guilt and not being 'good enough', I wanted  "catastrophe", rejections and abandonments. In this way I could continue to feel ‘small’, ‘put upon', 'unseen' and  ‘badly treated,’ in life, but NOT the one to blame for it! The ego mind lives through attack and projection, and as we become more awake to another possibility in life, it often gets sneakier and more surreptitious. In my recent experience I felt the incredible power of my unconscious mind. I had never seen it so clearly and insidiously, and the understanding hit me like a heavy penny dropping. I could see how I had bought into the romantic "knight in shining armor" rescuing the "damsel in distress"  myth that feeds much of our romantic dreams. I saw how I wanted this adventure and relationship to make me feel happy and more fulfilled…how much I enjoyed being ‘seen’ and appreciated by my new love. I could feel how he also needed me to complement him and make his life feel important and sweet. And I could see how we were in for failure.  

Perhaps because I have done so much work in looking beyond appearances in life, or because we are living accelerated change cycles the world over, whatever the reason, this ego ‘dance’ was over in a flash!  We didn’t get a few years together... we didn’t even get a few months. I got ‘sent’ home pronto so I could look at what we were unconsciously doing and look at my own adherence to the ego's teaching we are weak, sinful and guilty. We had jumped feet first into the relational (what I call) “ego’s diabolic dance of death”, an ego 'game' of wanting to ‘vampire’ another person to get something we believe we need to feel good, worthwhile and strong.This ‘dance’ is a form of energetic cannibalism since neither person feels whole and complete alone, and seeks something from the other. This is the shadow side A Course in Miracles reminds us to look at if we want to undo the thought in our minds and bring the light of Truth to this dark functioning of ego mind we all share… a belief in a dark, ugly, murderous side of ourselves we fear. This fear, if not looked at, keeps us prisoner to illusion and “idols”, trembling in guilt and fear, projecting blame and anger onto those we have come to love and support.

“Seek not outside yourself,” A Course in Miracles admonishes, because to do so is to buy into a belief in inadequacy, smallness and lack.

“The search implies you are not whole within and fear to look upon your devastation, but prefer to seek outside yourself for what you are.” (ACIM text, chpt. 29 Sect. VII para 4.5)

“No one believes in idols who has not enslaved himself to littleness and loss. And thus must seek beyond his little self for strength to raise his head, and stand apart from all the misery the world reflects. This is the penalty for looking not within for certainty and quiet calm that liberates you from the world, and lets you stand apart, in quiet and in peace.” (ACIM text, chpt 29, sect VIII, para. 2 lines 5-7)

As the Course asks, “Do you prefer to be happy, or to be right?” We have all bought into an illusion of self and what we believe we need in order to be fulfilled…yet we can choose again, and step into the shoes of ‘Authentic Self’, beyond the limiting, fearful beliefs of small, conditioned self, so as to be  healed and at peace. From this new choice we can experience true feelings of love, joy, wonder and well-being, which will make us laugh at the childlike ways we used to interact with others, as well as the unloving way we treated ourselves.

I invite you to join me on this new and exciting adventure to awaken to true Self.  To get started, jump in this August and take part in a free online global challenge to BE LOVE!  For more information, have a look at a short, explanatory video: http://youtu.be/OVdmPyDhQc4

And for further information, and to take advantage of other liberating tools to uncover and re-member authentic Self, visit:www.inner-discovery.com 

Blessings and excitement on your journey,

Abigail

Abigail DeSoto
Transformational Coach & Psychosynthesis Guide, Teacher/Author
http://www.inner-discovery.com
http://innerdiscovery.blogspot.fr/

author/‘Nom de plume’- Olivia de Gage, L'Amour Déraisonné: Reclaiming Self, Transformational Teachings from Psychosynthesis and A Course in Miracles (2010) Psychosynthesis Press
http://www.amazon.com/LAmour-Deraisonne-Reclaiming-Olivia-DeGage/dp/0961144475/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1268434385&sr=8-1